


that’s the reason i’m afraid, you’re the thoughts that can’t be tamed

by monamoure



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Communication, Confessions, Crushes, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker, Love Confessions, M/M, Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, Pining, because we talk through it in this household, only a lil angst though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26115373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monamoure/pseuds/monamoure
Summary: “Was that the first time you’ve ever wanted to kiss me?”Obi-Wan could have laughed if this weren’t such an important conversation. If Anakin asked earlier, he would lie. He would swear up and down on his life he’d never once thought about it before, that it was just a fleeting thought turned impulse.But Anakin was asking now, and now Obi-Wan knew better.“No," he shook his head slowly. "It's been a few years now."orpadawan obi-wan kisses his master, they talk about it and discover some things about their relationship along the way
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 30
Kudos: 188





	that’s the reason i’m afraid, you’re the thoughts that can’t be tamed

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first obikin fic and my first sw universe fic ever so there are probably some inaccuracies or whatever, but i just wanted to share anyway. also just to make this abundantly clear there is no underage stuff goin on, and it is all very mutual and consensual. hope you enjoy!

Obi-wan took in short, erratic breaths as a twisting dread filled the pit of his stomach. It fed on the endless desires he had accumulated over the years for his Master. His limbs ached and flailed gracelessly as if he’d been running for hours, though it had only been a few minutes. When Obi-Wan entered their shared quarters alone, he braced his back against the door and his neck craned upward in anguish. His chest rose and fell rapidly with every gasp, as if no amount of oxygen would be enough to quell the intense flood of emotions drowning him. 

Everything spun out of control and left his head dizzy. His eyes clenched shut and his knees buckled, landing him on the floor in a mess of robes. Obi-wan’s arms hugged bent knees and he dropped his head in gut wrenching shame. 

Anakin’s face after the kiss Obi-Wan initiated flashed in snippets through his mind. How his full brows were raised in shock and his confusion swam freely in stormy blue eyes. Obi-Wan remembered with horror the lust which coiled within him at the sight of parted lips, swollen and shimmering cherry-rose from Obi-Wan’s desperate licks and bites. 

How those same parted lips shaped around words Obi-Wan couldn’t hear over the dull roar of panic settling into the Force around him. He had pulled himself from his Master’s searing grip and ran, his heart pounding out of his chest too loud for Obi-Wan to fully register Anakin calling after him. He ran faster with every replay of the kiss— the stupid, embarrassing kiss which satisfied his years long craving and simultaneously awakened a new, hungrier beast. 

It wasn’t his first kiss by any means. He was eighteen now and had his fair share of rendezvous while away on missions, but this was very different from those experiences. This was _his Master_ , the same man he had always, at one point or another, unwittingly sought for in his brief companions. 

He was brought back to the moment with a soft, almost inaudible knock on the door. “Obi-Wan?” Obi-Wan wished Anakin didn’t sound so forgiving as he knew he would just have to face consequences for his earlier actions. 

_Anakin will never look at him the same again._ His throat constricted drily around a heavy lump as the sinister thought evaded his mind.

“Obi, please let me in? I’m worried.” 

Of course he was worried, why wouldn’t he be? Obi-Wan broke the Jedi Code in the biggest way— attachment. And this wasn’t the kind of friendly attachment Anakin usually displayed himself. No, this was romantic attachment, fueled on by the time spent yearning for his kind, fearless, and too reckless for his own good Master. 

“This is my room too, you know. I can easily let myself in,” Anakin’s lilting voice was slightly strained. It was his attempt to lighten the mood and, no doubt, lessen the blow of whatever stern words he was preparing to have with Obi-Wan. 

The fondness reserved only for Anakin crept into Obi-Wan’s chest, exhausting him and his efforts to remain hidden away in his humility. His spine arched uncomfortably against the hard surface of the door as he pushed himself to his feet once again. He felt lightheaded and queasy as he moved to let Anakin in. 

There Anakin stood, his head turned and angled suggesting he’d just been pressing his cheek to the door for a closer listen. Anakin belatedly realized the door was being opened for him and quickly stood tall, locking eyes with his padawan. Obi-Wan’s gaze downcast almost immediately and uncomfortable heat blossomed from the base of his neck up to his high cheekbones.

He saw from the corners of his eyes Anakin walking himself fully into the room. The door shutting behind him briefly interrupted the tense silence they sat in. 

He stared down at his feet, not wanting to see the disappointment in his Master’s face until he absolutely had to. Obi-Wan couldn’t muster up the courage to face his reaping with even an inkling of dignity. 

“Obi,” Anakin shifted to sit himself on the ground with crossed legs. It reminded Obi-Wan of when he was much younger and they would sit together on slow days and talk aimlessly instead of meditating because of Anakin’s distaste for it. It pulled at his heart, how twisted it felt now. Anakin practically raised him, and yet somehow his brain had crossed wires and programmed him to lust after this man who would only ever see him as a youngling. 

His throat burned as he tried in vain to prevent the brimming tears in his eyes from falling. He wiped them away in quick, furious motions so as not to draw so much attention. It was as useless as all those times he hurt himself in training and tried to remain unphased, with Anakin seeing right through him and quickly coming to his aid. Or on the nights Obi-Wan jolted awake from nightmares and attempted to stifle his cries, with Anakin always making room for himself in Obi-Wan’s bed, a calming presence in the Force as his fingers carded through sweaty hair and soft spoken words soothed Obi-Wan back to sleep.

It seemed Anakin still read him all too well. His hand met Obi-Wan’s shaking one and latched on. “Please don’t be upset, sweetheart.” Obi-Wan sniffled at the term of endearment and, with a gentle tug from his Master, finally lifted his chin from his chest enough to make eye contact. Anakin’s smile was small and more reassurance was pushed through to their bond. “Why are you crying, hm? There isn’t anything to be upset about.” 

Obi-Wan’s laugh, dry and humorless, was accompanied by a deprecating eye roll. Tears were streaking his face freely now as he had given up on trying to stop them. “Of course there is,” he groaned self loathingly. 

Anakin’s face remained unreadable for the most part, only hints of concern leaking through to the surface. “Sit down and talk to me about it?” Another tug. 

He made the mistake of looking into Anakin’s pleading eyes and every ounce of his resolve diminished. He sat down shoulder to shoulder with Anakin, staring at the wall ahead of them. 

Anakin would have none of this, however, and flesh fingers gently guided Obi-Wan’s chin toward him so they were facing each other. “What are you thinking?” He whispered in the short distance between them. 

Obi-Wan felt another rush of overwhelming emotion rise in his chest and come out his mouth. “You’ll never look at me the same. You probably hate me for what I did,” his voice hitched painfully and tears were streaming down his face harder than before. He felt so pathetic.

Anakin moved impossibly closer, his knees resting atop Obi-Wan’s while arms moved to pull the smaller figure into a firm chest. Obi-Wan’s cheek landed clumsily against Anakin’s robes and he breathed in the familiar, comforting scent. Anakin softly hushed him and rubbed his back soothingly as his chin rested on the younger’s head. 

When Obi-Wan’s frantic gasps started to calm down, Anakin pulled away but cradled his padawan’s face in his hands. The younger was thrown off by the lack of judgement he found in Anakin’s eyes as they scanned Obi-Wan’s features in wonder. 

A thumb lightly caressed his cheek and wiped away chilling tears. “Why would you ever think such a thing? I could never hate you.” 

“You can’t say that! You don’t know if that’s true or not.” Obi-Wan was beginning to get himself worked up again. He understood Anakin was trying to help but Obi-Wan needed to hear it how it was, not some sugar coated version. 

But Anakin was never one to back down from his stance, and this was no exception. “But I do. You’re my padawan. My dearest Obi-Wan.” Obi-Wan couldn’t hold eye contact for more than a few seconds at a time, but he felt his Master’s determined stare on him.

Curse him for making Obi-Wan say this out loud, honestly. Only Anakin Skywalker could get him frustrated at a time like this, Obi-Wan figured. “But- but I kissed you! It was wrong and it’s made a mess of everything. You may be fine now, but you can’t promise that’ll be the case tomorrow or next month or next year.” The urge to cry was momentarily chased away in his rambling, replaced by sudden exasperation. 

Anakin sat contemplating for a few silent beats, his brows pulled together while he chewed his lower lip. He peered up to Obi-Wan again, only now there were the smallest hints of sadness in his features and posture. “Did you really think it was wrong?” His voice was low and, even though Anakin was trying to pose the inquiry as innocently as possible, it was still laced with dejection.

Obi-Wan didn’t know how to answer. He could lie to both Anakin and himself from here on out and say that yes, it was wrong and shouldn’t have happened. But that didn’t sit right with him because in all honesty, Obi-Wan never thought his emotions were wrong, just very inconvenient and ill placed considering their circumstances. 

He held Anakin’s piercing gaze. “I know many others would consider it to be improper and that I should think so as well. But wrong isn’t the word I would use. These are my feelings no matter how others— how _you_ may perceive them.” He held his chin high while attempting to even out his trembling voice. “And you have always taught me my feelings aren’t wrong.” 

Much to his surprise Anakin’s worried torn lips broke out into a genuine smile. He found purchase at the back of Obi-Wan’s neck and pushed their foreheads together. His eyes fell closed and bliss spilled into the bond between them. “How did I wind up with such an amazing padawan?” He spoke, to no one in particular it seemed, but Obi-Wan couldn’t help his bashful grin at the praise. 

Anakin’s fingers played with the hairs at Obi-Wan’s nape, helping the younger to relieve his built up tension. He blew out a breath of air and decompressed with it, his shoulders slouching and head resting more naturally against Anakin’s. He could not, however, keep his eyes shut as they were too busy drinking the sight of Anakin in. Mellowed rays of the setting sun filtered in and richened his Master’s tanned skin, smooth to the touch. The bold scar swiping through his right brow along with strong, defined features took nothing away from the softness of honeybee brown curls and long, fluttering eyelashes. Small puffs of air dragged Obi-Wan’s attention back to full lips, glossed over and blushing from his earlier worrying. It brought to mind the image of Anakin’s lips after their kiss and Obi-Wan now had to work extra hard to keep his breath steady. 

What in the siths hell was he thinking? It would be easy for Anakin to write off the earlier kiss as the juvenile actions of a young padawan as long as Obi-Wan held himself together. It wasn’t ideal knowing how deep his feelings ran, but if it meant he had the chance of keeping things as they were then there was no question about what to do. So why couldn’t he control himself?

Awareness of the lack of space between them suffocated Obi-Wan in a way it never had before. They were no strangers to physical touch as this was Anakin’s primary form of conveying comfort and affection, and Obi-Wan would be lying if he said he hasn’t come to depend on it just as much. And while Obi-Wan’s mind would wander during these shared moments of skinship, it never before grew to be so overwhelming. But sitting here now, when everything he wanted and more was mere inches from him, when he knew what it was like to kiss Anakin— it was far too much to handle. 

Obi-Wan pulled away suddenly and plastered his eyes to his own lap. He chuckled breathily to abate Anakin’s presumptuous mind. “Anything remotely amazing about me came from your teachings, Master.”

“No, Obi-Wan.” Anakin shook his head earnestly. “You have always been amazing, and you always will be. With or without me.” The conviction in his tone and flare in his eyes left no room for debate and Obi-Wan was left with nothing to say. 

Obi-Wan hadn’t realized how hot his skin was until Anakin’s cold mechno-hand was cupping his face. His eyes fell shut while he tried to concentrate on the cool feeling and not their close proximity. 

When Anakin next spoke, it was barely above a whisper and Obi-Wan could feel warm breaths fan out on his skin. “You are so beautiful.” 

Obi-Wan felt the all too familiar burn of his constricting throat as he struggled to reign in his emotions. His eyes were still closed because he knew he wouldn’t be able to contain the warmth he felt in his chest which threatened to pour out on his features. 

Their body heats mingled when Anakin invaded more of his padawan’s space and planted a light kiss on his fevered forehead. One hand threaded loosely through auburn hair at the back of his head while the other was resting firmly between Obi-Wan’s shoulder blades. 

Obi-Wan’s breath caught in his throat when Anakin continued placing feather light pecks all over his face, taking his time. He worked his way from his temple, to the slope of his nose, to his cheekbones, and finally, to the underside of his jaw. Then he felt Anakin pull away, just slightly.

“Can you look at me?” He was still whispering despite them being the only two in the room. 

Obi-Wan complied, blinking them open slowly only to realize he was woefully unprepared for the sight before him. Anakin was close enough it became difficult to tell whose breath was whose. Obi-Wan’s eyes skipped over the other’s features, from the rouge tinting his lips to the hooded gaze cast his way.

Anakin waited only a second before grabbing Obi-Wan’s face, ducking his head closer and colliding their lips. Anakin’s palms settled against a slender neck, his fingers hooking behind Obi-Wan’s ears while his thumbs rested on warm cheeks. Obi-Wan was thrown off before he adjusted, letting his eyes flutter close once again. His hands wrapped around Anakin’s wrists as he surrendered himself to the kiss.

Anakin’s lips were slightly chapped, but that didn’t take away from the way their lips smoothly glided over each other. Their quick, messy pace soon evened out as their mouths moved together intimately. It was so different from the kiss Obi-Wan stole earlier because Anakin was reciprocating this time, it raised goosebumps on his skin. 

When they parted to catch their breaths, Anakin dropped one more chaste kiss to the corner of his lip. Obi-Wan could only manage a small, hesitant smile as he was overcome with affection, and he turned in Anakin’s hold to kiss his palm.

In response, Anakin threw him a radiant grin that crinkled the outer corners of his eyes. 

Obi-Wan’s tongue swept across his lower lip as he mulled over what words to say now, not missing the way Anakin’s gaze was drawn to his mouth. He tore his eyes away from his Master, forcing himself to stay level headed.

“We should talk about this.” His voice sounded small, even to himself. 

“Okay,” came the simple answer. 

“Okay?” Obi-Wan couldn’t help the disbelief from coloring his tone. 

“Yes,” Anakin’s shoulders shook lightly with a fond chuckle. He gathered the younger’s restless hands with his own. “Let’s figure it out together.”

Obi-Wan didn’t know why he’d expected some form of protest, but he supposed this was a good thing. 

After a reassuring squeeze, Anakin dropped his grip and retreated, taking some of the intoxicating warmth with him. He leaned back with his hands planted on the floor behind him. The young padawan took this as his cue to continue.

He inhaled deeply and found himself absently twirling his braid between his fingers. Though still reeling from their kiss, Obi-Wan felt less punch drunk with the newfound space between them and tried to find the right words. “Firstly, I would like to apologize for earlier. My actions were… Incredibly irresponsible— anyone could’ve seen. I put both of us at risk.”

Anakin was listening with an amused smirk played out on his lips. “An apology isn’t necessary, Obi-Wan.” When the younger seemed less than satisfied with his answer, Anakin playfully rolled his eyes. “But I accept. I’ll admit, you certainly caught me off guard.”

“Well I _did_ learn from the best, Master.” At this, the older’s head cocked to the side smugly. 

There was a moment filled with nothing but knowing looks, their chests rising and falling in time with each other. It was almost dizzying, the way he swelled with adoration every time their eyes met and he could see Anakin laying bare his feelings. 

“Was that the first time you’ve ever wanted to kiss me?” 

Obi-Wan could have laughed if this weren’t such an important conversation. If Anakin asked earlier, he would lie. He would swear up and down on his life he’d never once thought about it before, that it was just a fleeting thought turned impulse.

But Anakin was asking now, and now Obi-Wan knew better. He could be open with Anakin, they could be open with each other. 

“No,” he shook his head slowly. “It’s been a few years now.”

It seemed Obi-Wan kept surprising Anakin today because his Master’s eyes widened marginally. 

Obi-Wan rushed to continue. “And for the record, I’ve always wanted more than that.” 

“Oh really?” Anakin’s voice took on a teasing tone. 

Obi-Wan, with blush dusted cheeks, leaned forward to push his chest gently. “I meant it’s more than just-” Obi-Wan was flustered, but Anakin waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts. “I care for you more than a Jedi should care for anything.” 

This one utterance was not to be taken lightly, they both knew that. It was rare for Obi-Wan to make himself vulnerable in front of others and open up about his emotions in any way. So for him to say this of all things was shocking, for both Master and padawan. 

Obi-Wan, despite his Master’s own defiance to the Code, was practically the Order’s poster boy. He was almost always the perfect picture of composure and balance, seemingly at ease with himself and the Force at all times. Even with Anakin’s encouragement of a more relaxed take, Obi-Wan was always doing his best to strictly abide. 

Anakin’s features softened and he draped an arm around Obi-Wan’s shoulders to guide him into an embrace. His free arm curled around his padawan’s narrow waist and pulled him closer, Obi-Wan’s arms circling Anakin’s neck as he climbed into the older’s lap. 

“I’ve known how I felt about you for some time myself,” Anakin broke their short lived silence. “I froze up back there because I was so confused. I mean, why would you ever feel the same way? And then I told myself you were young, going through the meaningless crush almost every padawan develops for their Masters. I made up so many excuses because I didn’t actually believe you could ever want me in that way.” His tone was shifting to one more disheartened and Obi-Wan traced his skin softly as he continued listening, a reassuring presence while Anakin worked through his thoughts.

His Master took in a deep breath and exhaled, a warm smile stretching his face as he looked up at Obi-Wan. “You’re so special to me, you know? I would’ve done and said anything just to keep you here with me, but I never thought I could be this happy.” Obi-Wan’s vision blurred and he smiled back just as brightly. “It’s true! You make me so happy, darling.” 

They laughed lovingly through the beating of their rampant hearts. Soft, unruly curls tickled his chin when Anakin tucked himself into the juncture between Obi-Wan’s neck and collarbone.

“I love you, Obi-Wan.” The words were slightly muffled but Obi-Wan knew he had heard them right. 

He wasn’t going to deny his worries. There were so many things that could go wrong once they went down this path, so many obstacles they would have to overcome, so many uncertainties of where this would lead them. But none of those worries could cloud the pure elation he felt with Anakin in his arms, telling him he felt the same way Obi-Wan did. 

He held on tighter to Anakin, feeling like he could never get close enough. He placed his hands on Anakin’s face and gently moved him so they could look at each other. There were tears in those beautiful blue eyes and Obi-Wan soothed him with light caresses. 

There was no regret or guilt in his heart when he spoke. “I love you, Anakin.” He knew they were going to be okay.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading, i hope you liked it!


End file.
